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:: Thursday, February 12, 2009 ::

What if Bella was ugly?

If Bella was so clumsy, why hadn't she gotten into any serious accidents earlier in her life?

Edward: [watching Bella from behind] Dear god, the new girl smells so good. I... I can't help myself. MUST EAT HER. I could kill everyone in the hallway easily, and I can get to her and eat her. WHY DOES SHE SMELL SO GOOD? And why can't I read her mind? Perhaps if I moved closer.

(Edward increases his pace, turns to look at Bella. Studies her disfigured face, noting the scars all over her body. He swallows a disgusted expression. On closer inspection, he realises she has a slight limp.)

Edward: Hi. I'm Edward Cullen.

Bella: I'm Isabella Swan. People call me Bella.

Edward: (chokes back a laugh) That's a lovely name.

Bella: (sarcastically) Right. Not at all a snide reference to my looks.

Edward: (changes subject) What... What happened to your face?

Bella: (dully, as if reciting something tedious) When I was 12, I was cooking when I accidentally spilled a pot of boiling water on my face. The various cuts and scars are from the time I joined the track-cum-speed knitting event. I also once stabbed myself in the eye with a microscope. And this limp is from when I fell down the stairs when I was 15. (pause) I was reading a book, I think. (another pause) I'm clumsy, so I'm told.

Edward: (politely) Ah. I see.

Bella: You're a vampire, aren't you?

Edward: ...Pardon me?

Bella: (uninterested tone as if it stating the obvious) You're impossibly fast and strong. Your skin is...pale white and ice cold. Your eyes change colour... You speak like you're from another time.

Edward: No! Thou lieth, knave! Ayes be hip with the current lingo, yo.

Bella: (relentlessly) You're a vampire.

Edward: Are you afraid?

Bella: No.

Edward: Well, you should be, because I plan to eat you.

Bella: But I want to be a vampire. It's been my life-long dream. Since I met you. Because my life only began when I set eyes on you. I can't live without you because you're so irresistibly beautiful. You're perfect. Your perfect marble skin, your perfect sculpted face, your perfect crooked smile, your perfect firm body of stone, your perfect casually disarrayed bronze hair... and your eyes. They are pitch black, so mesmerising I could just fall into them. I love you. Let me be your vampire fledgling.

Edward: Um. Wow. That's a little too intense for me. Sorry, but you are, unfortunately, much too ugly and crippled to be a vampire. If you'll notice, all the Cullens are, besides being impossibly fast and strong, also impossibly beautiful. (gently) I'm afraid you may not join our ranks. Even though you smell very tasty - very attractive, if I may say so.

Bella: Oh. Thanks?

Edward: I'm still going to eat you. Might as well - it'll end my unhealthy obsession with you. I'm sure Father will understand that I had to break my vegetarian streak.

Bella: Vegetarian?

Edward: Oh yes. We Cullens have made a promise never to eat any humans. We eat animals instead. Because that's vegetarianism.

Bella: I don't see how-

Edward: Shush. Look into my eyes. Your heart will palpitate at a dizzyingly rapid pace, causing you to pass out.

Bella: It's true, I... (passes out)

Edward: It's fortunate she wasn't attractive. Now no one will notice that she's missing. (drags Bella's limp body into a custodian closet.)



And that's how Twilight should've ended.

:: And that's all she wrote 11:26 PM [+] ::
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