Existentialism makes you Cry.

Why don't you have a boyfriend?

In the midst of my discontent, there are MANY things that get on my nerves that would ordinarily be to me just throwaway remarks that I'd ignore.

This particular question is one that I've never been able to escape since I found the secret of enrapturing beauty. Hah, well, not really, but I have cleaned up quite a bit since I was a university student. (The secret is to think you're f-ing awesome.)

I'm not stunning, but I look good enough that people often express surprise when I tell them I don't have a boyfriend. As if how I looked determined whether I liked someone. I suppose they're suggesting that I can have my pick of the men apparently trailing after me like cartoon skunks wafting after the scent of a toothsome cat in a case of amusingly misfortunate mistaken identity (sorry, that might be too specific an example).

The truth is that doesn't happen. Men don't randomly try to pick me up on the street. Unless they're creepers. And I have had yet to meet a creeper who was able to make a first impression on me besides fear and dread.

To be fair though, I suppose the difference between something being creepy and something being romantic has to do with attraction to the person doing it. Still, I don't think I've ever been hit on by an attractive guy. I am, and perhaps always will remain, a mid-range babe.

Anyway, I hate the question. It's not that I don't want one (well except for the moment). I can't express how much I hate it when people tell me how nice it is to be dating someone / to get married / to have children.

No kidding. No (expletive) kidding.

Why say it as if I have no clue what it's like to be in love with someone? Or to have someone I can actually depend on? Or to have company for lame shit I like to do?

It isn't as if I DON'T want these things, and it's about as annoying as that one time someone told me that life is worth living in response to my saying that I didn't mind dying.

(Though scratch that, because I DO want to die quite a lot these days. Before I didn't mind it, but now I sincerely wish sometimes that something would just put me out of my misery. I'm not suffering, I'm just utterly fed up with continual existence. I've lost all meaning in my life, and the curious self-awareness of how bitter I am makes it that much harder to take myself seriously and have a go at getting better. I'm angry quite a lot of the time, as you can probably tell. It's all very amusing I'm sure, since I rant better than I wax lyrical about idyllic pleasures, but one day I'm just going to topple over a precipice and never be able to crawl back up. It's just like my drinking. I'm an amusing drunk, but I don't appreciate people plying me with alcohol just for their entertainment because this shows a clear respect for me only insofar as my ability to make them laugh. Yes, friends let friends die of liver failure because it's funny to see them drunk. Ok, over the top, angry rant over.)

I don't understand why people seem to think that I DON'T want a meaningful relationship. Is it because I'm self-destructive? Well, then tell me how NOT to sabotage myself, rather than praise coupledom to high heavens. I mean, *spluttering with rage* it's like telling somebody with no literally no balls "You should try growing a pair. It's really good for you."

If I had no legs, why on earth would you tell me to stand on my own two feet because it's incredibly empowering?

So stop. Please. It isn't for a lack of want. At present, it might be for a lack of trying, but I'm in no shape to try for companionship. It certainly isn't for a lack of ...no choice? It's a surplus of choicelessness.

I don't have a choice about my relationship status. So stop asking why I don't have a boyfriend or I'll be forced to dip into my bag of really depressing and awkward rejoinders.

"Nobody likes me that much."

"I'm too flawed for men to want me."

"They can't stand my personality."

I'm tired. I just want people to shut up about my life.

:: And that's all she wrote 8:42 AM [+] ::
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Why don't you have a boyfriend?

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