Existentialism makes you Cry.

I'm freaking tired. I feel like I'm drowning but I can't tell people who know me that I feel this way because the number 1) thing they want from me after that is to explain why I feel this way. They get concerned and want to help me fix my problem even though there is no easy fix. If there were I would've done it myself. There's no logical reason for me to wallow in self-pity because I hate the feeling. It's like being sick except I don't know what the cure is. Maybe actual drugs.

I'm freaking tired of managing my emotions so that people won't be upset by what I think. It's not fair to me but it's not fair to other people either if I dump on them. On the balance it seems fairer if I just keep to myself and try to unpick the reasons behind why I feel a certain way and try to undo the feeling.

Sometimes there seem to be easy solutions, but they're wrong solutions. I can't give in to what I want to do because it's not healthy. Oh, and have I mentioned? I'm freaking tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I'm treading water, barely keeping my head above some days. It's all I can do to appear normal. I know I'm not doing a good job anyway because I fail at that. Constantly. I know the right words to say and the smile to give to get people to leave me alone, but I can't do it all the time. I really. Really. Need someone to lean on for the moment, and I wish I could do it on God, but it only works some of the time. This weekend it's mind numbing emptiness.

So what do I do? What do I do to handle this on-off bouts of emptiness? I'm fine a lot of the time, but there are days like this that make me want to die. I can't say this to anyone because it will concern them and their concern tires me because I have to talk to them to satisfy their need to know and help. And I have to keep talking to them until they're assured I'm okay.

But I'm not ok. I'm not ok and food and soft toys and flowers are not going to help. Talking is not going to help. Nothing is helping on the days all my feelings flow unimpeded because I'm alone.

Seriously. Fuck. This. Shit.

I used to be happy enough with life that I would be fine with a sudden death. No regrets. But now sometimes I want to die because it means I don't have to deal with this.

So I'm playing the waiting game. That's the game where you sit and wait and slowly grind your way through life in the hopes that the feeling will go away eventually.

:: And that's all she wrote 1:31 PM [+] ::
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