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:: Saturday, September 22, 2012 ::

Stuff and little fishes

Sometimes I feel like a kid playing at being an adult. I consciously know what is necessary to be mature and what I have to do to be responsible, but it feels like I'm just going through the motions without properly understanding what it means or why I'm doing it.

Maturity is a heavy burden of knowledge. Knowing what it means to be that makes me a judgmental person. I look at others who don't seem to measure up to my standards of what's 'mature' adult behaviour and I hold them in contempt. And then, on nights like these when I'm tired and I can't continue being responsible, it feels terrible knowing that I can't even hold myself up to my standards all the time, so who am I to judge others for not doing so?

Wretched, wretched feelings. It's so easy to say one thing and want another. It's so hard to think of everyone and to be fair to everyone as well as yourself.

What I really don't need, I think, is this feeling of false pride just because I've been praised for my accomplishments. I did it to elevate myself, not because I wanted to better myself. There's nothing noble about my intentions, but people don't seem to understand that there's nothing wrong with doing things merely because it benefits you.

I don't know what I'm even rambling on about. I'm just dreadfully mentally tired today and once again, I don't know where I'm going.

That seems to happen disturbingly often.

:: And that's all she wrote 8:27 PM [+] ::
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