Bipolar Journalling:
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:: Friday, June 23, 2006 ::
Everything's better with music
I never liked talking about who I was seeing, or how I felt about them. It wasn't that I was ashamed - just afraid to flaunt it. Happiness is so valuable to all of us; and with value, there is envy.
I know that feeling sometimes, to want something so badly as well, to wish that you had the same. Knowing that someone else is happy makes me happy on the surface, but deep down inside sometimes it makes me long for that happiness too. (Or love. Or a relationship. Can't avoid feeling like I wanted one when I didn't have one. Just felt it would be nice to have.) Which makes me unhappy, of course, paradoxically.
Well, unfortunately, when I AM happy, I tend to want to shovel it around. I suppose that might explain why couples always seem to frown on singles, and try to match them up with others. To them, singlehood is a sad, lonely disease of existence. I beg to differ; it's merely that the happiness as a single is different from happiness when one is in a relationship. It's not as if couplehood is one ecstacy induced trip. It contains much of the same emotions - good and bad. Sometimes more intense.
I've been happy as a single. I've been sad as a single. I've been delirious in a relationship. I've been devastated. With two, feelings are amplified, reflected. You bounce feelings off each other and empathize until you both are lifted up or deeply sunk. Word to the wise? It's probably not a good idea to bring a REALLY bad mood to your partner. He'll/She'll just start feeling the same way you do, and unless misery really loves company, you're just both going to be upset. Worse, with each other. I'm not saying don't tell your partner you're not happy. Just don't take it out on them. It's not nice and not beneficial.
I tend to ramble on and digress. Point of this story is? I'm happy. I don't think I've felt this way about anyone before. (But who hasn't heard that a million times?) In all honesty, this is the first time I'm talking about being in a relationship. Why? I don't want it to be a casual thing. This is who I've chosen to be with now, and I hope for a long time to come. Our relationship is not perfect, we're not perfect, but by God, I want it to work.
I'm blogging about this now because of two instances that really jarred yesterday. First, I was asked who my new squeeze was. Lyndon isn't my new squeeze. Squeeze implies... a casualness, a stage that I'm at, something that is temporary. I did not get into this for it to be short-term. And it's certainly not casual. You know that passage from 1 Corinthians 13 about love? I always thought it was cheesy. Right now though, that is exactly what I want to achieve in my relationship. Especially the 7th verse - "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
I don't think I need to say anymore on that.
Second incident was when a friend turned to me and asked how many boyfriends I've had since I've known him. I know it was a harmless question, but it made me feel like I seem like the kind of person who takes a relationship casually. Changes boyfriends at the drop of the hat. I plead guilty to the first in the past - I really did think back then that with youth comes irresponsibility in a relationship: Enjoy life, have fun. To the second charge, I'm afraid that while I liked to enjoy life, I never took it so far to play with other peoples' feelings. The fact that I've had more than one boyfriend in the past is just an unfortunate circumstance, a lack of maturity and awareness of the requirements of a relationship. However, I changed my tune after my previous relationship. Before I got into my current relationship, I had told myself that I would only get into one with someone who I knew I could commit to long-term. I hope to fulfil that.
Sorry... a rather long and serious spiel about a subject I think not many people are interested in. But this is how I feel, and I am serious about my boy. He may not make me happy all the time, but I am thrilled to know that he's mine and I love him. I want him to be the one, and God willing, he will be.Labels: Music, Philosophy, Sentiment
:: And that's all she wrote 12:31 AM [+] ::
1 comments
1 Comments:
I was the second incident, right? Sorry. You know... when I asked, I actually meant that I was jealous that you've been in a couple of relationships and almost relationships, whatever that is, whereas I've had no such luck whatsoever.
I just want to be loved! *sobbitysobsob*
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