Me / Oops? / I waited till my flowers withered. / Dear Lee Pace,I must confess that I currently have... / Justification by feeling / Humour for you / There is only do. / Grace is not a license to sin / Zombie Apocalypse / Day 0.5 /

:: Tuesday, October 12, 2010 ::

Eve

I do not want to be you.

Many make the mistake of assuming that I want to replace you, that my agenda is coloured by my desperate need to fill your shoes. That implies a feeling of insecurity or a lack of self-esteem on my part.

Wanting to be you suggests that you are some kind of ideal that I wish to emulate or eventually reach.

I'm amused by this. So far. But I foresee a day this uninformed belief will stoke a dark, impatient anger in me. I have no illusions that I am whole and without issues, but of this I am clear: I do not want to be you.

Though I may have come after you, this does not make me flawed. Though you came first, it does not make you the pinnacle of all that I should aspire to achieve.

To be sure, I am like you in many ways, but I revel in the ways that I am not. I do not have your fears and insecurities. I do not have your need to be validated by those around you. I know more clearly who I am than you ever will know yourself. I know what I want, and I will stop at nothing to get it.

I know he loves you more, but I do not care about that. Perhaps he will come to love me in his own way some day. For now, though, it is immaterial to me. I do not need his love, and I cannot help but feel a sense of bemused satisfaction that you, too, feel this way.

Understand this. I do not hate you. I bear no ill-will. Perhaps a hint of derision, but no more than that. Unfortunately, although I do not wish to you be you, I have no choice.

While you exist, there is no space on this earth for me. You are the first. Even knowing full well what I am...who I am, he wants me to be you, longs for me to fill the gap you left. He created me to be a replacement.

But I am not you, and I can never be you. You must end, so that I can begin.

Labels: Random

:: And that's all she wrote 9:38 AM [+] ::
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