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:: Thursday, June 24, 2010 ::

Zombie Apocalypse

So, I have had yet another zombie dream. I don't have these often, and never one as surreal as this.

Apparently my family keeps a large brood of ferocious Alsatians to protect against the impending zombie invasion. Problematically however, our large house has too many open windows and doors to block off all intruders, and we are overwhelmed one day.

I'm separated from my family and manage to escape by (can you believe it?) climbing over a fence. Yes, my zombies are like retarded stupid humans. Retarded Stupid dead humans. I mean that in the nicest way possible. My zombies are unable to climb fences and might be fundamentally less... functional than a chimpanzee in that they seem to be unable to use tools? I'll get to what I mean about stupidity a little later.

So, there's a weird cut scene sequence (weird in that I'm dreaming, not on a TV show. Or am I?!) in which it's explained that I manage to meet up with the rest of my family, sans my father and we are just arriving at someone else's house following our zombie eviction. The Alsatians apparently did the job well, since most of us managed to get away from a house overrun with zombies.

But holy mackerel Batman, a plot twist! The zombies are getting stronger, faster, better! (Or are they?! I'll explain this a little later too.) The Alsatians are now a less effective weapon against them! It's not explained how I know this. I just know.

(This at least can be explained by my over-indulgence of Zombie Farm, but it's the farmers that keep getting stronger, not the zombies.)

As we (together with another besieged family) begin to make plans to barricade ourselves against the zombies, we are hit by another wave of zombies. We rush to various rooms in the house and lock ourselves in.

My zombies do not have super strength. One would logically think that a wooden door could not stand against a zombie, but for some odd reason, locked doors and windows discourage them. Two other refugees slept in the car overnight with zombies just walking past them. All this contributes to the stupidity factor of my dream zombies.

The next thing that informs you of the comic element of my dream is this scene where a female zombie tries to convince CIA officers (yep, bring in the cavalry. Except they didn't even hear us screaming and shouting at them to save us from the second story window. Useless gits) that she's a burn victim and needs to be taken to the hospital.

Sounds smart? I would agree - How often have you seen zombies pretending to be sick/injured to try to pass off as human? And they can speak too. *shudders* Here comes the stupid part.

A car pulls up (they can drive too!) and other zombies spill out to attempt this gambit as well. Except that it is EPIC FAIL, at least in my eyes because they start arguing among themselves about who's really a victim. They start to fight and CIA guys are unfortunately drawn into the chaos.

And the final cherry on this comedy of epic proportions? There's rock music playing in the background and off to the side, what appears to be two zombies - a civilian and a CIA officer - dancing... to the music. Not just any dance. They're dancing the Charleston.

Now here's the surreal part. During my experience of seeing the CIA guys ignore our calls for help, I was struck with a sense of deja vu. I was sure that I had read an episode guide on what was happening in my dream somewhere on-line. I knew that the two guys in the car had been rated as having a higher chance of survival compared to us trapped in the house.

I knew that within the house, someone else would have been inexplicably infected and would turn and that we would have to dispatch them with a drill and golf clubs. I knew that once we did this, we would rally and gather more supplies to fortify ourselves against the zombies.

I knew all these because a television review had said so somewhere.

And then it hit me that I was a character in a freaking TV show about zombies. Which made me a little more secure because I knew I wouldn't die for a few more episodes yet.

Why, you ask, would I need to feel a sense of security against these kinda weak and stupid zombies? Because zombies are horrible. They scare me with their relentless persistence and dead eyes. The clawing and grasping and mindlessness of it all. Imagine having a stalker who resists all your efforts to shake him off.

Werewolves and vampires? Pretty cool, not all that scary to me. But zombies? I can cope with things wanting to suck my blood or tear me apart, but I can't cope with cannibalistic brain dead creatures who are so determined to get to you that you have to destroy them utterly to get away.

5 reasons why a zombie apocalypse could happen

:: And that's all she wrote 1:04 PM [+] ::
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