Existentialism makes you Cry.

A post for May

I notice that I've blogged every month this year so far, and in the interest of being completionist (for the given value of arbitrary whimsy) I shall write one for May.

I write fairly frequently, I guess, looking at the slew of notes on Facebook and more recently, Tumblr. And I don't know if this is true of everyone who writes, but I love reading myself. I enjoy hearing myself talk about something that caught my attention at that point in time. It somehow captures the moment so beautifully I can revisit the experience perfectly.

Could it be I'm that narcissistic? Most definitely. I feel I've reached a point in my life where it's unnecessary to pretend false modesty. After all, denial of unpleasant truths delay the eventual eradication of said unpleasant aspects of one's character. Before you can work on a problem, it's necessary to notice that there's one. Besides, no one has EVER accused me of being arrogant, so why not give myself the honour of being the first to do so?

Understand though, no one having ever told me I was arrogant doesn't mean that I'm not. One of the ways I wish the world would work differently has to do with brutal honesty. Very few people are willing to threaten an existing relationship with words that reveal ugly aspects of one's character. I am not one of these few people - I shirk away from having to tell someone that they're an asshole, though of course I will gladly tell someone else this. We are so glad and so eager, relieved even perhaps, to talk about someone whose behavior disturbs or displeases us. Most sadly, communication then stops there. It is enough we have spoken our mind. Our communicative goal when being the unhappy recipient of a flawed personality is to find someone else who agrees with us, and not to correct the original offender. Our dislike grows and accumulates and sometimes we reach a point where we wonder why the person just doesn't get it - it's so obvious he's doing it wrong! But I digress. I do wish people would be more brutally honest with me and tell me to my face that I'm arrogant. I suppose it might be another aspect of my narcissism that this would make me feel superior as well because well, I told you so.

One of the reasons I come across as being introverted, or insular or independent is because I've yet to meet someone who was willing to be frank with me about my shortcomings. Oh, it's very easy to pick on someone for their flaws when you're upset with them. But when you want to maintain a good relationship with someone else, you're not going to broach the topic of their possible shortcomings. The truth is that I would really quite like such candor, but it's hard to find a real friend who will tell you something ugly about yourself in a way you can accept. It usually comes across as being critical, and worse, when not coupled with evidence, can come across as the critic being a jerk.

This kinda circles back round to why we gossip. It's the confirmation of a feeling we had about someone. Insomuch as it's gossip or bad mouthing, it's a good opportunity for us to test our understanding of a person. I really don't mean to be... mean when I'm voicing a negative observation of someone. I want to know if my opinion is right, because I could be holding misconceptions about a person. But the other half of this is that I want to know if I'm right. Which brings me back to my narcissism. I suppose I could just shut up about my thoughts, but my opinion is that I should take it one step further - to speak of what I think, confirm it, and then TELL the person the truth. What is life if not a constant process of change and improvement? To allow someone to stagnant would be a failure on my part.

:: And that's all she wrote 11:45 PM [+] ::
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A post for May

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